Games need love too; that’s why they get sequels: Redux

Honestly this is me looking back at an article I did last year, and making new comments. New thoughts and comments will appear in italics. For those of you who are uneducated, italics are those funny leaning letters.


Miyamoto was shocked that fans still wanted a new F-Zero game. Even Wipeout is still going strong as fans still like high speed futuristic racing. The 3ds and WiiU both need a solid F-Zero entry as the mini-game in Nintendoland made us want more. Hell they could probably do a “Greatest hits” of sorts with tracks from F-Zero games of the past redone on the consoles. They wouldn’t even really have to change anything, Mario Kart hasn’t really had to either and that franchiseis still strong as ever and fun as Hell (Aside one ignorant reviewer who claims it changes nothing, then praises Call of Duty) . Maybe they could make a Mii Version, make your own F-Zero racer and race in GP’s against other 3ds/WiiU owners. It would be pretty bitchin’.

Now within the last few months, its become kind of apparent that F-Zero and Metroid probably aren’t going to get any love anytime soon. While fans still want it, we get cock teased with Nintendoland and Mario Kart 8 DLC. While I’m both happy and annoyed Nintendo is hopping on the DLC bandwagon, I just wish they would put their efforts into a full-fledged F-Zero. I’m still holding out a tiny flicker of hope that Miyamoto will revisit this like Star Fox and surprise us all. steering with the gamepad was odd, but I can see that being doable with some tweaking. They could do like Mario Kart and make both original and classic revisit cups. Then again, with all of the awesome music, I’d probably just spend a day in a sound test listening to remixes of my favorite tracks.


Star Fox

…There are 2 people who make me hate this franchise. One was a rabid Star Fox fan in college, the other has a very unhealthy obsession with Fox/Falco porn. A very LARGE unhealthy obsession. Anyhow… I’ve played a lot of flight sims over the years so while Star Fox isn’t a great flight game, you cant deny there is a HUGE fan base for this game. Star Fox is as much about the characters as it was the flying, and gamers connected with Fox, Falco, Slippy, that rabbit and Fox’s slutty girlfriend… who now magically can fly an Arwing? What kills me is that the F-Zero Arcade game (FZERO AX or whatever) was a blast and you can bring your ship from the Gamecube (That ancient system many kids don’t know of) and play it in arcades. Long story short, if Nintendo keeps making Metroid and Mario Kart, they should keep Star Fox going too. It’s not like they don’t already have like a chunk of the cast modeled for Smash Brothers…

Speaking of, Since Miyamoto basically showed a new Star Fox at the Nintendo direct during E3, that should make many fans happy. Then Saukarai went and fucked it up cutting Wolf from Smash Bros and kept clone Fox, I mean Falco. I don’t even play Smash Bros, and I think Saukarai is a spoiled, out of touch brat. He actually called his fans “children” and claimed clone characters were “a free desert” after saying that clone characters were a mistake a few years back. I got sidetracked. Star Fox has potential for some awesome things now, and they could even go as far as releasing Star Fox 1 and 64 with a physical copy of this title, like Bayonetta did. It would be a great thing for fans of the franchise and show that Nintendo actually appreciates them.


No I’m not joking. If fucking Killer Instinct is getting a next gen title, a 3 player hyper-violent beat em up where you drill rat-aliens into the ground should be there too. I STILL play Battletoads to this day, it’s a blast, the music is great and the levels (in all versions) are amazing. People still talk about how difficult Volkmire’s Inferno is and the Turbo Tunnel is one of the most recognized and infuriating levels in a game to date. My sister and I played this a lot as a kid and its one of the few games where co-op doesn’t help make the game simpler. Beat em ups are few and far between these days, Castle Crashers and Scott Pilgrim being the big mainstream titles, while games like Fist Puncher cover the indie circuit. I say bring back Zitz, Rash and Pimple and give us a bit of the old school 1990’s awesomesauce that Ninja Turtles lost (thanks Nickelodeon)

I’ve been reading people thinking the Turbo tunnel is STILL the hardest level. I think it’s the gateway to the real game. Then again, people think Five Nights at Freddy’s is actually scary. Honestly we NEED more of the brutally difficult games rather than games with the sole replay value being DLC or a whole game of multi-player deathmatch. A good co-op experience can take a good game, like Scott Pilgrim, and make it a blast. It was great before with local co-op only, but adding online (which was kinda odd not to have at first) made it legendary. Battletoads was a more adult Ninja Turtles, and Rare should pull this one out, dust it off, and and reboot this classic. Just don’t arbitrarily add a female toad called Hymen. 

Zombies Ate My Neighbors

Like I wouldn’t bring this up. Seriously.

It’s been almost 20 years since Julie and Zeke defeated Doctor Tongue, and a few games have tried to capture the nostalgia. I’m not counting Ghoul Patrol because while it was a sequel, it didn’t feel quite right… and it was really bloody short comparatively. Now we have 4 player support, online communities, a vast interactive landscape zombies could roam in… who says they have to come up with new neighbors? Hell they could make this a 3ds/WiiU title, the radar on one screen the game on another, make the ‘victims’ Mii’s and you have infinite victims. Hell you could include a level creation tool (which Lucas Arts had and it was awesome) and you would bring new life into a cult classic. Modernize it a bit (or at least bring it to the 80’s horror film wise) and with the classic weapons you could easily breathe new life into a great concept.

As a huge fan, I’ve played every game that claimed to pay homage to it. Most of them were about as satisfying as a pudding made of dog food. I should note that Monster Madness is quite a fun game, with some good moments of humor, but honestly it feels like some of the story was shoehorned in. I recommend it though as the best homage, its fun, the characters are unique, and overall there is enough in there to feel good. While I think this game wasn’t a critical success, I wholeheartedly recommend at least playing it with a few friends.

Road Rash

I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but nothing is more satisfying than taking a chain and smacking someone in the face with it, knocking them off of their bike. Road Rash was a great racing game, and the final entry (Jailbreak) was lame. Road Rash was to motorcycles like Burnout was to cars, it was the over the top racing game that was unique among everything. I spent hours cruising in Road Rash 3d (I.E. start a race and turn off wherever I wanted and just drove) looking at the (low-poly) environments. A next gen sequel would be nice, but Hell, even a 2d one would be awesome, as long as they took the time and did it right, Road Rash would make another amazing option for the non-mainstream racing audience. Instead of ‘clans’ you have motorcycle gangs, you could instigate gang races in a large environment, upgrade your bikes and even do custom paint jobs (Forza did it) …I think EA owns this, so of course the trade off is probably having Burger King slap you with his crown during a race…

I guess motorcycles are now passe? You don’t see them too much in video games these days. I still think an open world like Road Rash 3D or what the Need For Speed franchise has done would be the best approach. Doing it like the old Burnout titles with multiple race styles would breathe new life into this worn franchise. Honestly there is not much more for me to add to this one.

Mutant League

Fuck Madden, fuck EA Sports (aside SSX) fuck releasing the exact goddamn game year after year. You want to update the roster? FUCKING DLC not a whole new horseshit game.

*Rage-flips a table*

That being said, why not give us who find American Football boring as shit (Proper footy gets a true fan up at 4 am to watch it) what we want? Kill the ref, blow holes in the field and break the quarterback in 2. Mutant league games were odd, violent and fun as hell. In this online based gaming world, create a team, join a league online and play for the championship. Mutant League could also offer ALL THE SPORTS! American Football, Hockey, Baseball (Turn the ball into a bomb and kill the batter, they don’t swing, it kills your catcher) and I guess basketball. I don’t get sports, but I live in a state where our only winning team is the WNBA team. Maybe if our teams won I wouldn’t give two shits if they got a new stadium.

Like Road Rash, I don’t have much to add. I still feel like franchises like Madden actually hurt the sports they represent because of the money grubbing tactics of the companies that make them. They should be true to the fans and offer up to date roster changes (like if someone is out for the rest of the season, they’re out the rest of your season as well) and offer DLC rather than a whole 60 dollars for the same game with a new paint-job. Honestly, how much does change each iteration of Madden American Football? Hell, its already got American Football and Hockey…

 Mutant League Hockey-2


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